It's better than a Pony!

Excited but Scared.

That's how I feel tonight.  On the Eve of Christmas Eve.

I'm getting on a bus tomorrow morning to go Home for Christmas.  I am excited beyond words because I get to see my family and maybe even a good friend or two.  I'm terrified because I get to see my family and maybe even a good friend or two.  (Nervous Smile)  You see, it's been 7 months since I've seen a good portion of my family and I'm clean.  The last time I saw most of them I was in a downward spiral to hell!  I lied to most of them, cheated, lied and stole from some of them and flat out avoided most of them.  I've been dealing with that shame for the past 6 months.  It was there before that, but I pushed it away with drugs.  I'm afraid to look some of them in the eye, I really am.  Anxiety has been creeping in all week.

Then I went to a meeting.      

The people there are my family too.  Though I haven't officially met most of them, we are a family of sorts.  In some ways, I feel closer to them than I do to members of my own family.  Especially right now.  It was my 3rd meeting at this particular place and I believe the topic was just what I needed - Judgement & Gratitude.  It's amazing how you hear things you are supposed to hear just when you are supposed to hear them.  I hadn't "shared" up until this point, but I felt compelled.  I shared about my anxiety about going home for Christmas and seeing those members of my family who are still hurt and angry and confused by my actions in recent years.  I shared how I was both terrified and exuberant over seeing my brothers.  It's been 7+ months and I love them SO much, but they are distant right now.  It hurts me terribly not to have them in my life, but I hurt them badly.  They are waiting in the wings to see where this all takes me.  They are leery.  Though it is painful without them, I understand.  And I have been told that if I stay on the path to recovery that the distant family members would at some point see the change in me, and I can then make my amends and they would eventually come back to me and even  if they do not, that is their choice and I can't make it for them. All I could do was - stay clean and do the best I can every day.  One day at a time!

Then, I emotionally shared how the best gift I've received this year is the love and support of members of my family, in particular, my Mom.

I think if you ask her, she will agree that we haven't always had the best relationship.  Though not for trying on both of our parts.  I always wanted my Mom and I to be friends, like best friends.  Some of my other girlfriends have that with their mothers, why don't I.  I know now or at least I think I know now, was that I felt less than.  Less than my brothers, less than she wanted me to be, just less than.  She didn't make me feel that way, I made me feel that way.  My diseased brain made me think that way.  So I behaved that way.  I always thought I wasn't good enough, so I put it on her.  Everything she did in my mind got twisted into, she doesn't love me like she does my brothers.  7 months ago, all that changed in my mind.  She had been trying to help me get help for a year and a half.  I wasn't ready.  My addiction was in FULL FORCE.  I know she was heartbroken, I could feel it even if I didn't want to believe it.

That's when I hit my "Rock Bottom".  I woke up in the hospital and then I spent 72+ hours on a Chapter 51 Psych hold because doctors, EMT's, and Police thought I had tried to commit suicide... though I know that wasn't my "goal" - I now know how it looked to them to have 7 different substances in my system and have my heart stop.  I mean really?  Did I think it was possible to do that much damage and still wake up the next morning?  Insanity.

I thank my brother Daric for loving me enough to fight FOR me that night (not against me as I once thought).  I owe him SO MUCH.  

Because I had been in some trouble prior to that night, I was on probation.  One of the conditions of probation was not to drink and obviously not to use drugs.  I broke those rules - I went to jail.  I was terrified. I was D-O-N-E.   Then on my 7th day in jail, I got a chance at life - finish up 23 more days of jail or get 30 days in Rehab.  It wasn't even a choice.  I wanted - I needed to go.  My Mom and my Aunt met me a day later and drove me to Rehab.  They seemed more nervous then I was.
Surprisingly, I don't remember crying.  I was scared but excited!

I remembered as I was sharing in the meeting yesterday that some days later, I got a phone call from my mom.  She asked me if they were explaining to me that this was a ''disease"?  I told her that yes they were and that I was so happy to be there and ready to change my life.  To get my life back.   I don't remember the whole conversation, but I felt such relief after that call. And I felt supported and loved.   I had recently found out that she was going to meetings for family members of Addicts.  That overwhelmed me. I cried when I got off the phone, I remember that.   I cried a lot in Rehab, but I was finding the silver lining as well.  Mom was not only supportive, but she became a shoulder to cry on, a confidant, and MY FRIEND.

After rehab I had to spend some more time in jail.  74 days to be exact.  It was awful.  I missed my family dearly.  I missed my mom.  I missed my daughter.  It was hard.  Until one day I got a letter from my mom that changed my way of thinking at that time.  It made me cry ( I know, I know - everything makes me cry).  But in it were words that I needed so desperately to HEAR - like REALLY HEAR!  The main line that healed my wounded heart was simply this:

"Please remember I will always love you! You are very, very special!!"


I lost it.

This was it.  I just KNEW she meant it.  I felt it.

She also wrote in the letter " I'm holding in my hopes that someday we can look back at this and recall that things happened for a reason and this brought you to a new life - freedom from Addiction."

Wow. I am sure most addicts would tell you it is HUGE when a some tries so hard to understand what you are going through and especially that they are accepting of the fact that it's not something you chose.  Every single time I read that letter - I cry.  I love my mom SO much, I always have.  But today, it's different.  It's richer.  And at times when I would normally call a "friend" to talk about a hard day in my recovery, I find myself dialing her.

That's my gift this Christmas.  And it's what I've always wanted!

I love you SO much Mom! 

xoxo



Happy Holidays!