Forgiveness.

     It's hard to emerge from my life of addiction right now.   Really hard.  It's hard to look people in the eye who I have harmed, in various ways, in the past couple of years.  Especially my daughter.  I know in my heart and soul that I am not the person the drugs caused me to be.  I know I am capable of so much more and that I have a "loving and caring heart' as my mother said to me in a recent letter.  I am grateful that there are still these loving, supportive people in my life to remind me of who I am and who I can become.  That being said, there are others who have turned away from me, and rightfully so, who  I miss SO DEARLY.  

     I feel stuck right now.  I'm sad a lot.  I know I have a long way to go in the process of forgiving and being forgiven.  I wish I could snap my fingers and have relationships restored with friends and family.  One of the things my addiction did for or to me was to numb the bad feelings I had about myself and towards people that had hurt me in my past.  Now that I am clean, there is nothing to "numb" the feelings of guilt and despair I feel over the many wrongs I have committed.  Those feelings come stronger and more often. From the moment I open my eyes in the morning until well after I close them at night.  Recovery is a long, painful road I've been told and I am experiencing that now.  I haven't touched my "drug of choice", as those in the treatment/recovery world call it, in almost 6 months - although I have had slips of different kinds in what would be defined as relapse over these same months.  I am proud of myself for not "using", but I have a LONG way to go in fixing the problems in my life.  

     When I was in the deepest places of my addiction, my family was trying desperately to "help" me.  It took some time for them to realize that I had to want the help.  They were trying to find treatment centers for me to go to and part of me did want to go, but on my terms.  There was information on this place in Milwaukee that they found that would take me without money and insurance, but it had a few big drawbacks for ME at the time.  One, it was in Milwaukee, hours away from family and in the opposite direction of my daughter who I had spent way to much time away from already and the program typically lasted 12-15 months.  Two, it wasn't a drug & alcohol rehab facility at all, it was a FIX YOUR WHOLE LIFE through GOD facility.  I was not going to have anyone pound GOD into me 8 hours a day for that long!  That was just ridiculous to me.  I often said, find me a 30 day program and I will go.  

     Not long after, I hit what I believe was my ABSOLUTE "ROCK BOTTOM"!  Without going into too many details right now,  just know that I went on an absolute binge - spiraling out of control on Memorial Day weekend.  The climax was me in an ambulance and the EMTs trying to re-start my heart.  Fortunately, they were successful and when I woke up in the hospital the next morning, I knew I was really ready to get help.  There were a few members of my family there that night and I owe them so much gratitude for caring enough to try to help me... you know who you are!  Seven days later after spending some time in the hospital & jail (for some trouble i was already in) I was on my way to Rehab.  I was terrified, but hopeful.  That place, The Villa Succes in Prairie Du Chien, saved my life.  

     It was funny how a few weeks after being there, I called my Aunt and told her about this Bible one of the girls had there.  It was called The Life Recovery Bible.  She laughed and teased me about how I didn't want to go to that place where they were going to "make me" learn and talk about God all day, and now I was asking if someone could get me this bible.  All joking aside, she made the comment about knowing a change was occurring in me already.  Two days later, I received the Bible in the mail. It has brought me so much comfort and promise of a new life with it's powerful words both within the scripture and in the recovery notes.  

     Having had a really rough day today, I turned to that book (as I do almost every day).  I wanted guidance on forgiveness and healing relationships.  I have read this passage over and over the past few months and it stuck out to me after a painful phone call with a family member today.

           "As we set out to mend relationships, there may be some things that are beyond our control.  Some people may refuse to be reconciled, even when we do our best to make amends.  This may leave us feeling like victims.  Once again we are stuck with the pain of unresolved issues.  We may be left with negative feelings that continue to surface.  What can we do to gain control in these situations?

We no longer need to be controlled by other people's dispositions and actions.  Even when we have done our best to make amends for the wrongs we have done, the situation may not change.  And even when we have come to terms with the wrongs that have been done against us, our feelings may not change.  But we don't have to be held captive by our feelings or the feelings of others.  We can chose to forgive and to act in loving ways.  This will free us from being controlled by anyone other than God."

I needed to read this today.  I have been feeling like the some members of my family and friends aren't aware of the progress I feel I am making in my recovery and that I want & need to atone for my wrongs.  This is a slow, painful process and people who were hurt most by my addiction need to see results as I work my program and stay clean. Those relationships will be healed in time.   Meanwhile, success to them, is a job & an apartment & more.  Success to me right now is staying clean 24 hours at a time and doing SOMETHING everyday to try and better my life & my circumstances.  But for now, staying clean is my #1 priority. It has to be. Without that... nothing else I do will matter at all!  


Forgiveness will come...I know it.  My Bible tells me so.