PAIN.

 "When I started feeling the pain of my story, my healing process began"  - Helen Neujahr

     When I was using I was a shell of my former self.  In order to keep myself protected from the pain in my life, primarily the pain of just being me, I stayed (or tried to stay) high.  The drugs had a numbing effect.  Not only did it numb the physical (my neck/back) but it numbed mental and emotional pain as well.  As I continued in my downward spiral, it numbed new pains that occurred every day.

     I hurt a lot of people with my using.  A lot.  Family, friends, and even perfect strangers.  My daughter is the one I feel the worst about.  She was missing her mother for the past few years.  Even when I was physically present, I wasn't the mother she needed and deserved.  I try hard everyday to work on forgiving myself for hurting her and for the things I've missed in her life these past couple of years.  I won't ever get that time back, but I am certain of one thing, the time going forward is going to have the quality factor.  I can show her how at a person's lowest point, they can overcome.  I can teach her how to forgive and be forgiven.  I will be able to give her ALL of me - the BEST me.  The CLEAN me.  She is a special girl who doesn't deserve the trials she has had to go through, but she is a strong, independent, beautiful, young lady both inside and out.  I know I did a few important things right.  She has some of those wonderful qualities in her that are still somewhere inside of me.  She cares about other people and she's loyal.  I miss being able to snuggle her everyday and night.  I miss kissing her head a hundred times a day.  I miss her voice, her smile.  I miss her.  It's painful as a mother to be away from your child, but I need to be THE BEST MOM I CAN BE and I'm working hard to get back to that.  It's a painful process, but SO worth it.  She's worth it!  I'm worth it!

     There are, as I've mentioned before, family members who I have hurt badly as well.  Some of them are active supporters in my recovery.  Mom, Carmen, Grandma, etc.  I owe you all SO much.  Kind words and understanding, forgiving hearts - all of them.  They never doubted that the Stacey they knew and loved so much was in me somewhere still.  They have been honest - even when it hurt to hear it.  They have supported the good decisions I've made and have been concerned when the not so good ones have crept up.  Encouraging letters, phone calls and hugs have helped more than even they know.  Being able to call and just say "I'm having a hard day dealing with this..." or "I did this today and I feel great!"  I am so grateful I have the family I do.  I've met people through rehab, meetings, the halfway house, jail, etc. who struggle everyday because either they have NO ONE they can count on to support and love them through this or they have a family of other addicts that they cannot get away from or they have the family who ENABLES them to the point of aiding them in their addiction.  I used to be jealous of the enabled addicts, until I realized that if my family had allowed me to live in my addiction, I'd be dead.  I don't mean to exclude anyone in my family that is supportive of my recovery, but the people mentioned above have been ACTIVE in my day to day struggles with this disease and my recovery from it.  I am looking forward to the day when I can make amends to other family members and have them join me on this road.  I miss you all so much!

     Friends.  Oh do I miss my friends.  I have some of the greatest friends a girl could ever hope for!  I do.  I often feel like I don't deserve them.  I have hurt some of you so badly and I get physically ill when I think of some of the things I've said or done.  Some of you have needed me and I wasn't present for you after all the years you were there for me.  I've lied, cheated, and stolen from some of you.  It hurts to even type those words.  I'm so sorry.  I also look forward to making personal amends to you!  I''m sorry I've been away so long!  Allow me to reintroduce myself, My name is Stacey and I'm an addict - in recovery.  I've missed you all too.  Thank you for some of your kind words of encouragement and for your belief in my ability to overcome.

     Every new day comes with painful moments, sometimes hours.  But I KNOW that I am doing the right thing and I am on the path to a life free from addiction!  I know this because I read the PROMISES everyday.  They are real, they are true.  I feel it.  Every time I read them, I cry...

The Twelve Promises

1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
3. We will comprehend the word Serenity.
4. We will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.
10. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

     

     This is the reality of what staying clean can do for me.  A way through the darkness of the pain and into...

                                             Serenity, Peace, and Happiness.  Life is good.