Long. Hard. Journey.

It has been 


A


Long. Hard. Journey.


It has caused MANY painful memories to be relived.  


Often times it has left hurt, resentment and shame embedded on my heart.


I have shed a river's worth of tears.


I still have moments, however fleeting, where I think of using. 
I don't want to! I won't!  
It's that damn addiction devil on my shoulder, whispering LIES into my ear!


I have days filled with physical pain and others full of the emotional scar tissue of my past. 
Sometimes both!


I still have using dreams...a lot actually.  But now - I wake up RELIEVED that they aren't real.


I am working through forgiving myself and the courage to make amends to those I have harmed.


I daily long for things I know I deserve.  My own place, more time with YaYa, a better life!


********************************


It has been 


A


Long. Hard. Journey.


It has given me many rewards.


I have a REnewed relationship with my beautiful Daughter.


My family gives me so much love and support.


I get to wake up each new day with a purpose!


I live my life for today - 24 hours at a time!


I am HONEST and OPEN and WILLING!


I am Alive & I know GOD loves me and saved me for a reason!


I am Grateful!

I get to SMILE and Laugh again! 
















*******************************


It has been 


A 


Long. Hard. Journey.


and 


Honestly worth EVERY step!

Happy 10 months Clean to me - Friday April 27th!   YES!








Thanks for the continued love and Support!  It means EVERYTHING to me!

My Ya-Ya!

In the past I have been grateful for friends, family, life, good books, my favorite TV shows, etc.

Today I am grateful for SO MUCH MORE!

I am regaining the things that I had lost...FAMILY, FRIENDS, a relationship with my beautiful daughter which is not (as I had feared) that much different than what it used to be.

My Ex (Nadia's Father) offered me last week to take my beautiful Ya-Ya for some time during her spring break!  My "inner circle" knows how rare and unexpected this request was.  I relished in my time with her...laughing, joking, and snuggling.  Our relationship (much to my surprise) has not suffered in time spent apart.

This week, he had to go out of town.  He offered me FIRST opportunity to spend that time with her. Getting her off to school and popping over for lunch at her school was common place to me - 3 years ago.

Now I get to do it again!

She introduced me to friends and her teacher.  We laughed and giggled on the playground about "Mrs. Polar Bear" the "mean lady" on the playground who relishes in scolding the children for things that are COMMON PLACE!  For swinging "the wrong way!"  I kicked the soccer ball and played hopscotch!  It filled my heart with a magical fullness.

My girl and I.

We share the same spirit.

 I am forever grateful to God for giving me back my life.  Grateful for showing me what REALLY matters.  For loving me and MY GIRL enough to let us have a future and a relationship built on LOVE, TRUST, and a COMMON LOVE for LIFE!

I heard over and over again these past two days "Nadia is SO NICE, she is nice to EVERYONE."  and  " She is kind and loving and giving to all."

I know I must have done SOMETHING right those years before my addiction took hold.  I see it in her eyes and in her HEART.

I love you beautiful girl....Nadia Astrid Moss, you are my EVERYTHING!

In the words I used o sing to her as a babe....

" I love my Nadia
She's a good girl
I love my Nadia
She's my WHOLE WORLD!"

I love you MORE THAN BREATHIN' beautiful girl!

xoxo
Mama

A prettier picture...

Someone asked, after I posted the picture on A Smack Upside the Head, to see what I look like now.

9 months later.

Clean.

I have weight to lose and can't wait for a summer TAN.

But I have to say...

It's a MUCH prettier picture!

I think I might even keep it as my profile pic for awhile!

(It was 9 months CLEAN on my Birthday March 27th!)  YEAH BUDDY!



xoxo

I love you all!

 God is GOOD!