I have been back about two weeks now and am still reveling in the love and support I felt throughout the Christmas season! I had the BEST time!
I've gained about 45 lbs since I entered Rehab and I've been struggling with body image. But when the Oldest of my 3 younger brothers, I'll call him by his nickname "Reekie", saw me for the first time since my ROCK BOTTOM NIGHT almost eight months ago, he pinched my cheeks and said it was good to see me "with a little meat on my bones". I was freakishly skinny with dark rings around my eyes - pretty much like a walking corpse. I was so angry at him for awhile after that night, but now I know, HE SAVED MY LIFE. I am eternally grateful! I love you Reek!
It was different with my baby brother Jakabop, because I used to tell him EVERYTHING and because of my addiction I lied to him regularly. He was there that night too, and literally tried to fight his way to me as I was placed in the ambulance. He told me later that he was telling the cops and EMTs's that he "needed to get to me", if he was just able to get to me, he could "calm me down". This makes me cry as I write it, as it has every time I think of it. I was incredibly messed up that night. Including alcohol, I had 7 different substances in my system, I had just had my nose broken and I was having a MAJOR anxiety attack. It was BAD. And I could see from the window of the ambulance my baby brother fighting policemen to get to me. That picture will NEVER leave me. It makes me want to fight SO HARD - EVERYDAY to never get back to that. Anyway, it's Christmas Eve and I see him from across the room but I wait. I wait for him. I don't want to push it because as much as I am hurting, I know he is too. Then our eyes meet and he smiles and we hug. It's the biggest reward. I have missed him SO MUCH. Missed all 3 of them. I have the BEST brothers in the world! After that, it was like we had never been apart. Jakabop and I were punching each other in the arm and talking smack like the good ol days! It was awesome.
The next day I get to see "baby Duka", the middle (younger) brother and he smiles and hugs me too, We are laughing and joking like old times. A few days later he tells me that he didn't want to "talk" to me at Thanksgiving because he wasn't ready. He needed to SEE me first. I understand that. It is obvious that I am not using just by looking at me and suddenly I forget about those "extra pounds" and realize that even though I am heavier in weight, I look HEALTHY, I look CLEAN. I feel that they believe I am on the right track. I know I am.
Other members of my family made comments about how great it was to "talk to the REAL Stacey again". That felt SO good. Better than any drugs have EVER made me feel.
I have the MOST amazing family. I have the coolest, sweetest, funniest, BEST brothers EVER!
The love and support that I feel from all of them is INCREDIBLE! I wish I could share it with addicts all over the world. I know there are SO many who don't have the stability in family that I have and I pray for them daily. Thank you Thank you Thank you to my family - honestly I couldn't do this without you! I LOVE YOU! xoxo
Reekie - Jakabop - Baby Duka : I LOVE YOU MORE THAN BREATHIN! Thank you for loving me through this.....xoxo Your big Sis!
That is amazing to read and brought tears to my eyes. I find it amazing that you can reach out to family and others and tell your story, I know by doing this will also help you cope. It isn't easy but it sounds like you are on the right track, you sound positive and in your readings I can feel you smile :-) Stay strong and keep talking you will get through this, you already made a huge step in your life.
ReplyDeleteStace- i hope your blogs get read by all your friends and family- they are very touching and real. i know, i have been thru alot of the past few year's struggles and accomplishments with you! We ALL are pulling for you to stay on the right path and many times wish we could make it easier for you - but we know you have to do the hard work yourself. i hope even more that your blogs reach others who need your words and experiences to help them thru their struggles and to know it is POSSIBLE to have a Clean/Positive Life. You are a great journalist/writer/blogger - you have the talent to write, especially when it is personal and comes from the heart! Aunt Carmen
ReplyDeleteI love that family picture. I haven't seen you all in so long! Stace- this is the first time I have seen your blog. I read the most recent posts and I can't believe that you are less than an hour away and we haven't connected in 10 years. We need to correct this. Love to you all.
ReplyDelete-vjr