My Ya-Ya!

In the past I have been grateful for friends, family, life, good books, my favorite TV shows, etc.

Today I am grateful for SO MUCH MORE!

I am regaining the things that I had lost...FAMILY, FRIENDS, a relationship with my beautiful daughter which is not (as I had feared) that much different than what it used to be.

My Ex (Nadia's Father) offered me last week to take my beautiful Ya-Ya for some time during her spring break!  My "inner circle" knows how rare and unexpected this request was.  I relished in my time with her...laughing, joking, and snuggling.  Our relationship (much to my surprise) has not suffered in time spent apart.

This week, he had to go out of town.  He offered me FIRST opportunity to spend that time with her. Getting her off to school and popping over for lunch at her school was common place to me - 3 years ago.

Now I get to do it again!

She introduced me to friends and her teacher.  We laughed and giggled on the playground about "Mrs. Polar Bear" the "mean lady" on the playground who relishes in scolding the children for things that are COMMON PLACE!  For swinging "the wrong way!"  I kicked the soccer ball and played hopscotch!  It filled my heart with a magical fullness.

My girl and I.

We share the same spirit.

 I am forever grateful to God for giving me back my life.  Grateful for showing me what REALLY matters.  For loving me and MY GIRL enough to let us have a future and a relationship built on LOVE, TRUST, and a COMMON LOVE for LIFE!

I heard over and over again these past two days "Nadia is SO NICE, she is nice to EVERYONE."  and  " She is kind and loving and giving to all."

I know I must have done SOMETHING right those years before my addiction took hold.  I see it in her eyes and in her HEART.

I love you beautiful girl....Nadia Astrid Moss, you are my EVERYTHING!

In the words I used o sing to her as a babe....

" I love my Nadia
She's a good girl
I love my Nadia
She's my WHOLE WORLD!"

I love you MORE THAN BREATHIN' beautiful girl!

xoxo
Mama

Doing what is RIGHT!

I am in tears this morning.  Happy Tears!

Yesterday I found out that I had a warrant for my arrest in Jackson County!  Yikes!  I was so freaked out. In my "using days" there were lots of warrants, lots of hiding in the apartment waiting for the police to stop knocking on the door and go away.  I hated that.  I hated lying, hated hiding, hated feeling & being a criminal!  That life was MISERABLE!  

So yesterday when I found this out, my addiction started to poke out of the darkness and tell me to hide, lie, and ignore this and maybe it would go away.  But then I spoke up, I stood up to that addiction and told it to go away.  I steeled myself for a possibly bad outcome and picked up the phone and called the County Clerk's office.  I  told her my story, and that I didn't want to hide from them or skirt my responsibilities and that I was about to start my new job ( YEAH!) and could I make a payment plan or just extend the due date out like 30 days?  She told me to send a fax to the judge telling him exactly what I had told her and she would make sure he got it.  

 I got home and started the letter.  I went online to the website to see what my case # was so that I could use it as a reference.  When I opened up the record, the warrant was gone. That's right G-O-N-E, gone.  The page reflected a new due date and my updated address, which I gave her even though I was scared all day the cops would show up, and the warrant indicator completely wiped out.  I screamed in joy, called my sponsor and said "God is Good!"  She told me she was proud of me and that when you do the right thing, good things happen to you!  She is SO right!  

I am so happy that I am back.  

 I know I no longer have to hide, lie, cheat, and steal! 

 NO LONGER DO I HAVE TO LIVE THAT MISERABLE LIFE!

To top it all off.  I called this morning to verify they had received my letter, which I hadn't even gotten faxed before they closed yesterday.  (Remember I was still writing it when the information was changed and the warrant squashed)  The same woman Debbie answered the phone and as soon as I said my name she knew exactly who I was.  It turns out she didn't wait for my letter, as I suspected, she went straight to the Judge and told him my story.  He immediately agreed that the warranted should be erased and that I "deserved" a chance to continue doing the RIGHT THING and moving forward with my life and my recovery.  

Tears began to stream down my face!  I thanked her profusely and asked her to thank the Judge.  I told her it meant SO much to me, what she did.  She said "You're welcome Stacey.  Keep up the great work - you are doing what is right"  

In recovery we talk a lot about EGO and I am working on not letting mine get the best of me, but I am proud of me too.  I could have let the "bad guy" (my addiction) win out in this situation, but I didn't.  Stacey & her new life in recovery do what was right and what would lead me a few steps further in my path.  

p.s.

I think I am going to send Debbie and Judge Lister a nice thank you note, because I think it's the right thing to do!

Anniversary!

Yeah, I know....

I am one of THOSE people who shouts from the rooftop that "It's my birthday!"  "I have an anniversary today!"  I can't help it.  It seems selfish to some.  But in my Recovery, I want to Share,  I want to share with those who have loved and supported me through it ALL.  Through the BEST and ABSOLUTE WORST of times.  I do.  Today is 7 months clean for me...and dang if I am not shouting from the rooftops that I am ALIVE and HAPPY!

I woke up this morning and man did I have to go to the bathroom!  lol.  On my way out of the bathroom and off to have my first cigarette of the day ( yeah my next battle in addiction - lol)  I saw the splendor of the sunrise.  I don't often think of myself as a selfish person, but this morning...I soaked it ALL in.  I felt a presence inside me that is indescribable!  I felt God, I felt Scottie...I felt FREE.  I am CLEAN!  It felt like God put that Sunrise there - just for me. Just for me to realize how magical life can be.  I swear (if you didn't see it) that there were 7 shades of color to behold.

Last night I got "return" phone calls from my two youngest brothers.  My original calls to them were somewhat fruitless.  I just wanted to chat.  To tell them about my recent job interview and that I was thinking of them and that I missed them. These two young, twenty-somethings (who btw almost NEVER call Mom back - let alone ME) called me with such sweetness and love in their voices that I was moved to tears.  It was only a few months ago that I could get NEITHER of them to pick up the phone.  We chatted about 'what was new' and laughed and the youngest Jakabop and I even shared some tears.  It was AMAZING!  It was a dream come true... HONESTLY.

I am ETERNALLY grateful for my family!  ALL of them.  They have totally and completely loved me through this whole horrible, painful, scary, amazing, crazy, intense ride that I have been through and though I felt REALLY alone sometimes...in my heart of hearts I KNEW they were there with me and that they loved me just the same as theyhad been before.

I don't know how some people make it through addiction without their loved ones - I  honestly don't.  I feel for them.  I pray for them.  I am SO LUCKY!  I knew I had an amazing family before all of this, but I am SURE of it now!

I could NOT have done it with out them so far and they KNOW I need them going forward and I can't imagine going this ALONE.  I (fortunately) know I don't have to and I am incredibly grateful.  It melts my heart every time I think of each one of them!

I want ALL of you - Family & Friends & Strangers, alike,  to know - that although I do this every day for ME...YOU ALL MAKE IT EASIER and WORTH IT!

I LOVE YOU!  GOD LOVES YOU!

God Bless You ALL!
"One Day at a Time"

(now on to 8 months.....)

xoxo
Stacey