A prettier picture...

Someone asked, after I posted the picture on A Smack Upside the Head, to see what I look like now.

9 months later.

Clean.

I have weight to lose and can't wait for a summer TAN.

But I have to say...

It's a MUCH prettier picture!

I think I might even keep it as my profile pic for awhile!

(It was 9 months CLEAN on my Birthday March 27th!)  YEAH BUDDY!



xoxo

I love you all!

 God is GOOD!

Doing what is RIGHT!

I am in tears this morning.  Happy Tears!

Yesterday I found out that I had a warrant for my arrest in Jackson County!  Yikes!  I was so freaked out. In my "using days" there were lots of warrants, lots of hiding in the apartment waiting for the police to stop knocking on the door and go away.  I hated that.  I hated lying, hated hiding, hated feeling & being a criminal!  That life was MISERABLE!  

So yesterday when I found this out, my addiction started to poke out of the darkness and tell me to hide, lie, and ignore this and maybe it would go away.  But then I spoke up, I stood up to that addiction and told it to go away.  I steeled myself for a possibly bad outcome and picked up the phone and called the County Clerk's office.  I  told her my story, and that I didn't want to hide from them or skirt my responsibilities and that I was about to start my new job ( YEAH!) and could I make a payment plan or just extend the due date out like 30 days?  She told me to send a fax to the judge telling him exactly what I had told her and she would make sure he got it.  

 I got home and started the letter.  I went online to the website to see what my case # was so that I could use it as a reference.  When I opened up the record, the warrant was gone. That's right G-O-N-E, gone.  The page reflected a new due date and my updated address, which I gave her even though I was scared all day the cops would show up, and the warrant indicator completely wiped out.  I screamed in joy, called my sponsor and said "God is Good!"  She told me she was proud of me and that when you do the right thing, good things happen to you!  She is SO right!  

I am so happy that I am back.  

 I know I no longer have to hide, lie, cheat, and steal! 

 NO LONGER DO I HAVE TO LIVE THAT MISERABLE LIFE!

To top it all off.  I called this morning to verify they had received my letter, which I hadn't even gotten faxed before they closed yesterday.  (Remember I was still writing it when the information was changed and the warrant squashed)  The same woman Debbie answered the phone and as soon as I said my name she knew exactly who I was.  It turns out she didn't wait for my letter, as I suspected, she went straight to the Judge and told him my story.  He immediately agreed that the warranted should be erased and that I "deserved" a chance to continue doing the RIGHT THING and moving forward with my life and my recovery.  

Tears began to stream down my face!  I thanked her profusely and asked her to thank the Judge.  I told her it meant SO much to me, what she did.  She said "You're welcome Stacey.  Keep up the great work - you are doing what is right"  

In recovery we talk a lot about EGO and I am working on not letting mine get the best of me, but I am proud of me too.  I could have let the "bad guy" (my addiction) win out in this situation, but I didn't.  Stacey & her new life in recovery do what was right and what would lead me a few steps further in my path.  

p.s.

I think I am going to send Debbie and Judge Lister a nice thank you note, because I think it's the right thing to do!

A smack upside the head!

I don't know what it takes for other addicts to hit rock bottom and get help, but I know what it took for me.  A night of serious drug use, the likes of which make even me cringe, and a fight.  I let my mouth get the better of me and verbally challanged someone who, had I been in my right mind, I would NEVER have challenged before.  And with my arms pinned down to my sides, I took a beating.  Physical as well as emotional.  The specifics are inconsequential. I now know that I needed something major to happen to snap me into the reality of just how unmanagable my life was at that point. 

I now joke that I finally get one of my favorite Oprah sayings .  Oprah would always say that when God was trying to speak to you he would often start with a whisper and when you weren't listening he would give you to a tap on the shoulder.  Then finally when He really neeeded to get his point across, He would give you a smack upside the head! 


This was mine. And it worked.  I listened.


I went to rehab and they saved my life. 
 

I look at this photo (mugshot) and the first word that comes to mind is...well...Ouch. But the second word is Sad.


Look at her face - she is Broken. Dejected. Lost.

She has lost everything and everyone that matters.  But there is still hope.  She is alive!


I am actually laughing right now because I can just hear the thoughts rolling in my mother's head as she reads this post. "Why on earth would you put that picture on here? Why would you want to have that picture at all? " 


The answer is simple.  To NEVER forget!


I look at that girl in the picture often and I know she is so different from the girl behind this computer today.  I have hope. I have dreams. I have family & friends back in my life!  I have a relationship with my daugher again.  I am blessed!  God gave that girl the wakeup call she needed and now I am better for all I have been through and all that I have learned. 


I got a second chance at life and I'm not gonna waste it! I want to help others who struggle with this disease.  I want them to have what I am getting more and more of everyday!

I hope that EVERY using addict is able to get that "smack upside the head" that brings them to the door of recovery and I hope they walk on through with their heads held high.  (Hopefully without a broken nose and black eye!)

Just know that 24 hours is A LONG TIME for any addict to stay clean, but the best part is that you just take it one day at a time.  24 hours at a time -only that!  Pretty soon those 24 hours will add up to days, weeks, months, years of a pretty amazing life - the life you could have lost.  I am not going to lie and say it's easy, because it's not. But -

Recovery IS possible. You CAN do it.  You Cannot do it alone!  Ask for help!  And know that God is Good.  He forgives.  He answers prayers! 

YOU ARE WORTH IT! 

And SO AM I!

Anniversary!

Yeah, I know....

I am one of THOSE people who shouts from the rooftop that "It's my birthday!"  "I have an anniversary today!"  I can't help it.  It seems selfish to some.  But in my Recovery, I want to Share,  I want to share with those who have loved and supported me through it ALL.  Through the BEST and ABSOLUTE WORST of times.  I do.  Today is 7 months clean for me...and dang if I am not shouting from the rooftops that I am ALIVE and HAPPY!

I woke up this morning and man did I have to go to the bathroom!  lol.  On my way out of the bathroom and off to have my first cigarette of the day ( yeah my next battle in addiction - lol)  I saw the splendor of the sunrise.  I don't often think of myself as a selfish person, but this morning...I soaked it ALL in.  I felt a presence inside me that is indescribable!  I felt God, I felt Scottie...I felt FREE.  I am CLEAN!  It felt like God put that Sunrise there - just for me. Just for me to realize how magical life can be.  I swear (if you didn't see it) that there were 7 shades of color to behold.

Last night I got "return" phone calls from my two youngest brothers.  My original calls to them were somewhat fruitless.  I just wanted to chat.  To tell them about my recent job interview and that I was thinking of them and that I missed them. These two young, twenty-somethings (who btw almost NEVER call Mom back - let alone ME) called me with such sweetness and love in their voices that I was moved to tears.  It was only a few months ago that I could get NEITHER of them to pick up the phone.  We chatted about 'what was new' and laughed and the youngest Jakabop and I even shared some tears.  It was AMAZING!  It was a dream come true... HONESTLY.

I am ETERNALLY grateful for my family!  ALL of them.  They have totally and completely loved me through this whole horrible, painful, scary, amazing, crazy, intense ride that I have been through and though I felt REALLY alone sometimes...in my heart of hearts I KNEW they were there with me and that they loved me just the same as theyhad been before.

I don't know how some people make it through addiction without their loved ones - I  honestly don't.  I feel for them.  I pray for them.  I am SO LUCKY!  I knew I had an amazing family before all of this, but I am SURE of it now!

I could NOT have done it with out them so far and they KNOW I need them going forward and I can't imagine going this ALONE.  I (fortunately) know I don't have to and I am incredibly grateful.  It melts my heart every time I think of each one of them!

I want ALL of you - Family & Friends & Strangers, alike,  to know - that although I do this every day for ME...YOU ALL MAKE IT EASIER and WORTH IT!

I LOVE YOU!  GOD LOVES YOU!

God Bless You ALL!
"One Day at a Time"

(now on to 8 months.....)

xoxo
Stacey