Long. Hard. Journey.

It has been 


A


Long. Hard. Journey.


It has caused MANY painful memories to be relived.  


Often times it has left hurt, resentment and shame embedded on my heart.


I have shed a river's worth of tears.


I still have moments, however fleeting, where I think of using. 
I don't want to! I won't!  
It's that damn addiction devil on my shoulder, whispering LIES into my ear!


I have days filled with physical pain and others full of the emotional scar tissue of my past. 
Sometimes both!


I still have using dreams...a lot actually.  But now - I wake up RELIEVED that they aren't real.


I am working through forgiving myself and the courage to make amends to those I have harmed.


I daily long for things I know I deserve.  My own place, more time with YaYa, a better life!


********************************


It has been 


A


Long. Hard. Journey.


It has given me many rewards.


I have a REnewed relationship with my beautiful Daughter.


My family gives me so much love and support.


I get to wake up each new day with a purpose!


I live my life for today - 24 hours at a time!


I am HONEST and OPEN and WILLING!


I am Alive & I know GOD loves me and saved me for a reason!


I am Grateful!

I get to SMILE and Laugh again! 
















*******************************


It has been 


A 


Long. Hard. Journey.


and 


Honestly worth EVERY step!

Happy 10 months Clean to me - Friday April 27th!   YES!








Thanks for the continued love and Support!  It means EVERYTHING to me!

My Ya-Ya!

In the past I have been grateful for friends, family, life, good books, my favorite TV shows, etc.

Today I am grateful for SO MUCH MORE!

I am regaining the things that I had lost...FAMILY, FRIENDS, a relationship with my beautiful daughter which is not (as I had feared) that much different than what it used to be.

My Ex (Nadia's Father) offered me last week to take my beautiful Ya-Ya for some time during her spring break!  My "inner circle" knows how rare and unexpected this request was.  I relished in my time with her...laughing, joking, and snuggling.  Our relationship (much to my surprise) has not suffered in time spent apart.

This week, he had to go out of town.  He offered me FIRST opportunity to spend that time with her. Getting her off to school and popping over for lunch at her school was common place to me - 3 years ago.

Now I get to do it again!

She introduced me to friends and her teacher.  We laughed and giggled on the playground about "Mrs. Polar Bear" the "mean lady" on the playground who relishes in scolding the children for things that are COMMON PLACE!  For swinging "the wrong way!"  I kicked the soccer ball and played hopscotch!  It filled my heart with a magical fullness.

My girl and I.

We share the same spirit.

 I am forever grateful to God for giving me back my life.  Grateful for showing me what REALLY matters.  For loving me and MY GIRL enough to let us have a future and a relationship built on LOVE, TRUST, and a COMMON LOVE for LIFE!

I heard over and over again these past two days "Nadia is SO NICE, she is nice to EVERYONE."  and  " She is kind and loving and giving to all."

I know I must have done SOMETHING right those years before my addiction took hold.  I see it in her eyes and in her HEART.

I love you beautiful girl....Nadia Astrid Moss, you are my EVERYTHING!

In the words I used o sing to her as a babe....

" I love my Nadia
She's a good girl
I love my Nadia
She's my WHOLE WORLD!"

I love you MORE THAN BREATHIN' beautiful girl!

xoxo
Mama

A prettier picture...

Someone asked, after I posted the picture on A Smack Upside the Head, to see what I look like now.

9 months later.

Clean.

I have weight to lose and can't wait for a summer TAN.

But I have to say...

It's a MUCH prettier picture!

I think I might even keep it as my profile pic for awhile!

(It was 9 months CLEAN on my Birthday March 27th!)  YEAH BUDDY!



xoxo

I love you all!

 God is GOOD!

Doing what is RIGHT!

I am in tears this morning.  Happy Tears!

Yesterday I found out that I had a warrant for my arrest in Jackson County!  Yikes!  I was so freaked out. In my "using days" there were lots of warrants, lots of hiding in the apartment waiting for the police to stop knocking on the door and go away.  I hated that.  I hated lying, hated hiding, hated feeling & being a criminal!  That life was MISERABLE!  

So yesterday when I found this out, my addiction started to poke out of the darkness and tell me to hide, lie, and ignore this and maybe it would go away.  But then I spoke up, I stood up to that addiction and told it to go away.  I steeled myself for a possibly bad outcome and picked up the phone and called the County Clerk's office.  I  told her my story, and that I didn't want to hide from them or skirt my responsibilities and that I was about to start my new job ( YEAH!) and could I make a payment plan or just extend the due date out like 30 days?  She told me to send a fax to the judge telling him exactly what I had told her and she would make sure he got it.  

 I got home and started the letter.  I went online to the website to see what my case # was so that I could use it as a reference.  When I opened up the record, the warrant was gone. That's right G-O-N-E, gone.  The page reflected a new due date and my updated address, which I gave her even though I was scared all day the cops would show up, and the warrant indicator completely wiped out.  I screamed in joy, called my sponsor and said "God is Good!"  She told me she was proud of me and that when you do the right thing, good things happen to you!  She is SO right!  

I am so happy that I am back.  

 I know I no longer have to hide, lie, cheat, and steal! 

 NO LONGER DO I HAVE TO LIVE THAT MISERABLE LIFE!

To top it all off.  I called this morning to verify they had received my letter, which I hadn't even gotten faxed before they closed yesterday.  (Remember I was still writing it when the information was changed and the warrant squashed)  The same woman Debbie answered the phone and as soon as I said my name she knew exactly who I was.  It turns out she didn't wait for my letter, as I suspected, she went straight to the Judge and told him my story.  He immediately agreed that the warranted should be erased and that I "deserved" a chance to continue doing the RIGHT THING and moving forward with my life and my recovery.  

Tears began to stream down my face!  I thanked her profusely and asked her to thank the Judge.  I told her it meant SO much to me, what she did.  She said "You're welcome Stacey.  Keep up the great work - you are doing what is right"  

In recovery we talk a lot about EGO and I am working on not letting mine get the best of me, but I am proud of me too.  I could have let the "bad guy" (my addiction) win out in this situation, but I didn't.  Stacey & her new life in recovery do what was right and what would lead me a few steps further in my path.  

p.s.

I think I am going to send Debbie and Judge Lister a nice thank you note, because I think it's the right thing to do!

A smack upside the head!

I don't know what it takes for other addicts to hit rock bottom and get help, but I know what it took for me.  A night of serious drug use, the likes of which make even me cringe, and a fight.  I let my mouth get the better of me and verbally challanged someone who, had I been in my right mind, I would NEVER have challenged before.  And with my arms pinned down to my sides, I took a beating.  Physical as well as emotional.  The specifics are inconsequential. I now know that I needed something major to happen to snap me into the reality of just how unmanagable my life was at that point. 

I now joke that I finally get one of my favorite Oprah sayings .  Oprah would always say that when God was trying to speak to you he would often start with a whisper and when you weren't listening he would give you to a tap on the shoulder.  Then finally when He really neeeded to get his point across, He would give you a smack upside the head! 


This was mine. And it worked.  I listened.


I went to rehab and they saved my life. 
 

I look at this photo (mugshot) and the first word that comes to mind is...well...Ouch. But the second word is Sad.


Look at her face - she is Broken. Dejected. Lost.

She has lost everything and everyone that matters.  But there is still hope.  She is alive!


I am actually laughing right now because I can just hear the thoughts rolling in my mother's head as she reads this post. "Why on earth would you put that picture on here? Why would you want to have that picture at all? " 


The answer is simple.  To NEVER forget!


I look at that girl in the picture often and I know she is so different from the girl behind this computer today.  I have hope. I have dreams. I have family & friends back in my life!  I have a relationship with my daugher again.  I am blessed!  God gave that girl the wakeup call she needed and now I am better for all I have been through and all that I have learned. 


I got a second chance at life and I'm not gonna waste it! I want to help others who struggle with this disease.  I want them to have what I am getting more and more of everyday!

I hope that EVERY using addict is able to get that "smack upside the head" that brings them to the door of recovery and I hope they walk on through with their heads held high.  (Hopefully without a broken nose and black eye!)

Just know that 24 hours is A LONG TIME for any addict to stay clean, but the best part is that you just take it one day at a time.  24 hours at a time -only that!  Pretty soon those 24 hours will add up to days, weeks, months, years of a pretty amazing life - the life you could have lost.  I am not going to lie and say it's easy, because it's not. But -

Recovery IS possible. You CAN do it.  You Cannot do it alone!  Ask for help!  And know that God is Good.  He forgives.  He answers prayers! 

YOU ARE WORTH IT! 

And SO AM I!

Anniversary!

Yeah, I know....

I am one of THOSE people who shouts from the rooftop that "It's my birthday!"  "I have an anniversary today!"  I can't help it.  It seems selfish to some.  But in my Recovery, I want to Share,  I want to share with those who have loved and supported me through it ALL.  Through the BEST and ABSOLUTE WORST of times.  I do.  Today is 7 months clean for me...and dang if I am not shouting from the rooftops that I am ALIVE and HAPPY!

I woke up this morning and man did I have to go to the bathroom!  lol.  On my way out of the bathroom and off to have my first cigarette of the day ( yeah my next battle in addiction - lol)  I saw the splendor of the sunrise.  I don't often think of myself as a selfish person, but this morning...I soaked it ALL in.  I felt a presence inside me that is indescribable!  I felt God, I felt Scottie...I felt FREE.  I am CLEAN!  It felt like God put that Sunrise there - just for me. Just for me to realize how magical life can be.  I swear (if you didn't see it) that there were 7 shades of color to behold.

Last night I got "return" phone calls from my two youngest brothers.  My original calls to them were somewhat fruitless.  I just wanted to chat.  To tell them about my recent job interview and that I was thinking of them and that I missed them. These two young, twenty-somethings (who btw almost NEVER call Mom back - let alone ME) called me with such sweetness and love in their voices that I was moved to tears.  It was only a few months ago that I could get NEITHER of them to pick up the phone.  We chatted about 'what was new' and laughed and the youngest Jakabop and I even shared some tears.  It was AMAZING!  It was a dream come true... HONESTLY.

I am ETERNALLY grateful for my family!  ALL of them.  They have totally and completely loved me through this whole horrible, painful, scary, amazing, crazy, intense ride that I have been through and though I felt REALLY alone sometimes...in my heart of hearts I KNEW they were there with me and that they loved me just the same as theyhad been before.

I don't know how some people make it through addiction without their loved ones - I  honestly don't.  I feel for them.  I pray for them.  I am SO LUCKY!  I knew I had an amazing family before all of this, but I am SURE of it now!

I could NOT have done it with out them so far and they KNOW I need them going forward and I can't imagine going this ALONE.  I (fortunately) know I don't have to and I am incredibly grateful.  It melts my heart every time I think of each one of them!

I want ALL of you - Family & Friends & Strangers, alike,  to know - that although I do this every day for ME...YOU ALL MAKE IT EASIER and WORTH IT!

I LOVE YOU!  GOD LOVES YOU!

God Bless You ALL!
"One Day at a Time"

(now on to 8 months.....)

xoxo
Stacey

Insane in the Membrain!

Drug Addiction makes you INSANE.  Temporarily, while in the midst of using,  The choices one makes while drug addled are ....well Insane.

I have been listening to Eminem's "Talkin' to Myself" and I couldn't have said it better myself....

The Talkin' To Myself lyrics by Eminem are displayed below. To play the Talkin' To Myself video click the thumbnail.

Send "Talkin' To Myself" Ringtone to your Cell

[Intro]
Ayo Before I start this song man
I just want to thank everybody for being so patient
And baring with me over these last couple of years
While I figure this shit out

[Chorus - Kobe]
Is anybody out there?
It feels like I’m talkin to myself
No one seems to know my struggle
And everything I come from
Can anybody hear me?
It guess I keep talkin to myself
It feels like I’m going insane
Am I the one whose crazy?

Yeayah
Woah wah
Woah wah (oh oh oh oh oh)
Woah wah
Woah wah (oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)

[Bridge - Eminem]
So why in the world do I feel so alone
Nobody but me, I’m on my own
Is there anyone out there
Who feels the way I feel
That there is then let me in and let me know I’m not the only one(?)

[Eminem]
I went away I guess to open up some lanes
But there was no one who even knew what I was going through
Hatred was flowing through my veins
On the verge of going insane
I almost made a song dissin Lil Wayne
It’s like I was jealous of him cause the attention he was gettin’
I felt horrible about myself
He was spittin and I wasn’t
Anyone who was buzzin back then coulda got it
Almost went at Kanye too
God it feels like I’m goin’ psychotic
Thank god that I didn’t do it
I would of had my ass handed to me
And I knew it but proof wasn’t here to see me through it
I’m in the booth poppin another pill tryna talk myself into it
Are you stupid? You gon’ start dissin people for no reason?
Especially when you can’t even write a decent punchline even
You’re lying to yourself, you’re slowly dying, you’re denying
Your health is declinging with your self esteem, you’re crying out for help
[Chorus - Kobe]
Is anybody out there?
It feels like I’m talkin to myself
No one seems to know my struggle
And everything I come from
Can anybody hear me?
It guess I keep talkin to myself
It feels like I’m going insane
Am I the one whose crazy?

Yeayah
Woah wah
Woah wah (oh oh oh oh oh)
Woah wah
Woah wah (oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)

[Bridge - Eminem]
So why in the world do I feel so alone
Nobody but me, I’m on my own
Is there anyone out there
Who feels the way I feel
That there is then let me in and let me know I’m not the only one(?)

[Eminem]
Marshall you’re no longer the man, that’s a bit of a pill to swallow
All I know is some wallowin(?), self-loathing and hollow
Bottoms up of pill bottle maybe I’ll hit my bottom tomorrow

Eminem Talkin' To Myself lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/eminem-talkin-to-myself-lyrics.html

But I must be talkin to the wall though
I don’t see nobody else ( I guess I keep talkin to myself)
But all these other rappers suck is all that I know
I’ve turned into a hater, I’ve put up a false mavado(?)
But Marshall is not a egomaniac that’s not his motto
HE’s not a desperado he’s desperate it’s startin to bottle inside em
One foot on the brake one on the throttle
Fallin asleep with writers block in the parking lot of mcdonalds
But instead of feeling sorry for yourself do something about it
Admit you got a problem you brain is clouded you pouted long enough
It isn’t them it’s you you fuckin baby
Quit worrying about what they do and do fuckin shady
I’m fucking going crazy

Is anybody out there?
It feels like I’m talkin to myself
No one seems to know my struggle
And everything I come from
Can anybody hear me?
It guess I keep talkin to myself
It feels like I’m going insane
Am I the one whose crazy?

Yeayah
Woah wah
Woah wah (oh oh oh oh oh)
Woah wah
Woah wah (oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)

[Bridge - Eminem]
So why in the world do I feel so alone
Nobody but me, I’m on my own
Is there anyone out there
Who feels the way I feel
That there is then let me in and let me know I’m not the only one(?)

[Eminem]
So I pick up myself off the ground and fuckin slam before I drown
Hit my bottom so hard I bounce twice suffice this time around
It’s different them last two albums didn’t count
Encore I was on drugs, Relapse I was flushing em out
I’ve come up to make it up to you no more fucking around
I’ve got something to prove to fans I feel like I let em down
So please accept my apology I finally feel like I’m back to normal
Let me formally reintroduce myself to you for those of you who don’t know
The new mes back to the old me and homie I don’t show no
Signs of slowin up, pullin up, blowin up, all over no mo
My life is no longer a movie but the shows aint over homos
I’m back with a vengeance homie weezy keep ya head up
Lyrics courtesy of www.killerhiphop.com
TI keep ya head up, Kanye keep ya head up
Don’t let up, keep slayin em
Rest in Peace to DJ AM
Cause I know what it’s like
I struggle with this shit every single day

Is anybody out there?
It feels like I’m talkin to myself
No one seems to know my struggle
And everything I come from
Can anybody hear me?
It guess I keep talkin to myself
It feels like I’m going insane
Am I the one whose crazy?

Yeayah
Woah wah
Woah wah (oh oh oh oh oh)
Woah wah
Woah wah (oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)

[Bridge - Eminem]
So why in the world do I feel so alone
Nobody but me, I’m on my own
Is there anyone out there
Who feels the way I feel
That there is then let me in and let me know I’m not the only one(?)




Don't like the ALONE feeling that sometimes creeps into my head during hard days....but I know I can do this.  I am no longer....INSANE.  I have moments of insanity (i.e. Triggers, Romantic thoughts of using, Etc) but I WANT THIS.  NEED to be CLEAN and it feels SO MUCH better than any drug I have EVER tried!   This song reminds me of those crazy moments and also of why I am trying SO HARD every day!


ONE DAY AT A TIME!
Here is the song :  http://youtu.be/8cUExrTRSRw

New Year..New Me!!

So Christmas was a.m.a.z.i.n.g!

I have been back about two weeks now and am still reveling in the love and support I felt throughout the Christmas season!  I had the BEST time!

I've gained about 45 lbs since I entered Rehab and I've been struggling with body image.  But when the Oldest of my 3 younger brothers, I'll call him by his nickname "Reekie", saw me for the first time since my ROCK BOTTOM NIGHT almost eight months ago, he pinched my cheeks and said it was good to see me "with a little meat on my bones".  I was freakishly skinny with dark rings around my eyes - pretty much like a walking corpse.  I was so angry at him for awhile after that night, but now I know, HE SAVED MY LIFE.  I am eternally grateful!  I love you Reek!

It was different with my baby brother Jakabop,  because I used to tell him EVERYTHING and because of my addiction I lied to him regularly.   He was there that night too, and literally tried to fight his way to me as I was placed in the ambulance.  He told me later that he was telling the cops and EMTs's that he "needed to get to me", if he was just able to get to me, he could "calm me down".  This makes me cry as I write it, as it has every time I think of it.  I was incredibly messed up that night.  Including alcohol, I had 7 different substances in my system, I had just had my nose broken and I was having a MAJOR anxiety attack.  It was BAD.  And I could see from the window of the ambulance my baby brother fighting policemen to get to me.  That picture will NEVER leave me.  It makes me want to fight SO HARD - EVERYDAY to never get back to that.  Anyway, it's Christmas Eve and I see him from across the room but I wait.  I wait for him.  I don't want to push it because as much as I am hurting, I know he is too.  Then our eyes meet and he smiles and we hug.  It's the biggest reward.  I have missed him SO MUCH.  Missed all 3 of them.  I have the BEST brothers in the world!  After that, it was like we had never been apart.  Jakabop and I were punching each other in the arm and talking smack like the good ol days!  It was awesome.

The next day I get to see "baby Duka", the middle (younger) brother and he smiles and hugs me too,  We are laughing and joking like old times.  A few days later he tells me that he didn't want to "talk" to me at Thanksgiving because he wasn't ready.  He needed to SEE me first. I understand that.  It is obvious that I am not using just by looking at me and suddenly  I forget about those "extra pounds" and realize that even though I am heavier in weight, I look HEALTHY, I look CLEAN.  I feel that they believe I am on the right track.  I know I am.

Other members of my family made comments about how great it was to "talk to the REAL Stacey again".  That felt SO good.  Better than any drugs have EVER made me feel.

I have the MOST amazing family.  I have the coolest, sweetest, funniest, BEST brothers EVER!
The love and support that I feel from all of them is INCREDIBLE!  I wish I could share it with addicts all over the world.  I know there are SO many who don't have the stability in family that I have and I pray for them daily.  Thank you Thank you Thank you to my family - honestly I couldn't do this without you!  I LOVE YOU!  xoxo

Reekie - Jakabop - Baby Duka : I LOVE YOU MORE THAN BREATHIN!  Thank you for loving me through this.....xoxo Your big Sis!